Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
