I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
