I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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