wanna go halves on a baby?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
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I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
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So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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