so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
