You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
