this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
