So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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