ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I fill condoms, not promises.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
