I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
