I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
