dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
