There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
