I threw up into my coffee this morning.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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