So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Duck Duck Cougar?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
