I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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