Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
