I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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