lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
