its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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