Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
