I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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