Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
