did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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