We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
