totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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