lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
