I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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