When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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