I just found a bag of teeth...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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