She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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