I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
