I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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