He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
