She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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