I CAN MOONWALK!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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