Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
