i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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