This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
