Redeem this text for a blowjob
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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