I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
