We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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