Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
