it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
