everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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