I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
