Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
