I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
