My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
