No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
A+ Viking dick
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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