I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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