have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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