So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
