Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
