Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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