Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
