I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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