if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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